This was me nine years ago. I remember how emotionally upset I was, how much I was suffering.
Now when I see this memory pop up on Facebook, I have compassion for the me of nine years ago, and I’m reminded of how far I’ve come in my spiritual journey.
Sometimes progress is so gradual, we don’t always see it. But a reminder from the past of how we used to relate to our life can put it into sharp contrast. Thankfully, having this kind of reaction to anything seems very unlikely for me today, and that’s thanks to many years of mindfulness practice and education.
Back in those days I used an app with music and was reaching pleasant states of concentration regularly. This was good in a way – that pleasantness is a great motivator to keep practicing. But I was clearly very attached to both the app I used and the pleasant states. Both of these, like all conditioned phenomena, are impermanent. They don’t last. And getting too attached to something that doesn’t last and thinking it’s so important to hold on to is a recipe for suffering. It’s an important lesson to learn that mindfulness meditation is not about feeling good when you’re doing it – often this happens, but not always. Sometimes it’s a real struggle. Knowing that you are developing your attentional skills of concentration, clarity, and equanimity when you practice regardless of what sort of state you’re experiencing is very important for our long term growth.
Over the past nine years I’ve learned to practice without any music, without any apps or guidance, in any and all situations. I’ve had “transcendent” states that have far exceeded anything I experienced back in those days, yet I know better than to get stuck in them now. Now I simply enjoy them while they last, and explore them with clarity and equanimity. I know pleasant experiences can be helpful on the path but they can also be a hindrance, because as Shinzen Young says, one of the biggest dangers facing a meditator on the path is “getting stuck in a good place”.
We need to keep going, and not get attached to particular states. The path is about changing your relationship to all sensory phenomena, pleasant or unpleasant.
Not only am I far less likely to get stuck in a pleasant state, grasping and clinging desperately to it, I also now am comfortable accepting unpleasant sensations and states without pushing them away. I have discovered the secret that even difficult and unpleasant emotions and situations can be an opportunity for opening the heart, bringing mindfulness to more and more aspects of our experience, and how doing so leads to an incredible sense of freedom.
